psychologically evaluated!

i was kidding. of course i'm not gonna tell you how stool sample are collected! take a container, and your imagination, next time you have to go, and figure it out yourself.

the best part (or was it the worst?) of the 1st aeromedical, was the psychiatric evaluation and test. the test took us one whole day. we spent the morning answering 500 questions, and the afternoon, another 500 questions. all 1000 questions were to be answered with the options of 'true/false' or 'yes/no'. by the end of the day, i had no idea what was true or what was false anymore. this test is used to evaluate the mindset of the candidates and the mental condition, of course. basically, the results say if you're sane or insane, or if you're leaning a little towards the insane side of yourself or if you should be locked up immediately. and the trick is to be honest. they were basically questions of what would you do in a certain situation, or your feelings on certain issues. i cant possibly remember every question, but i do remember the few that struck me. one was, 'do you think you can fly?' gets you thinking, doesnt it? you would agree that was simple, the answer is no, of course, with a smirk and the song 'i believe i can fly' on my lips! another was, 'do you think men cheat?' you dont have to think to answer that one! the humor of it was, later while discussing with everyone, apparently, all the men asnwered 'yes' as well! go figure! at least, everyone was being honest, you have to give them that! one other question was, 'do you have trouble swallowing?' it would have been a little easier if they would have specified what exactly are we swallowing. but, we figured it out after the test when, one of the candidates, a certain Major, one of the most calibred and most fun to hang out with, suddenly asked me in front of all the other guys, 'vanajah, do you have trouble swallowing?' with a wink! naturally, everyone in the room burst out laughing! people like the Major and the laughters in between the stress that we had, are the things i remember the most out of that week, now.

the psychiatric evaluation was another ball game altogether! i only wish it was as simple as the test! there were, not one but, two of them. it was a personal session, but not the regular i-pay-by-the-hour-and-pour-out-my-troubles-from-a-couch type of session. it was almost a torture session, at least it was for me. their mission was to bring out the worst in you, psychologically! and evaluate your reaction.
from the beginning, i made my lifestyle very clear to everyone. i had nothing to hide about my life, especially for this program. i had no trouble with that because i've always been very open about my lifestyle with anyone i meet. and the first and foremost, and ongoing thru out the program, warning from dr. zul was 'be yourself! if you try to be something you're not, we will find out, and you're out of here!' who could pretend after a warning like that. and i could not be pretentious even if my life depended on it. based on my lifestyle, i was attacked the most by the doctors. i could handle that fine because i've had a lot of practice defending my lifestyle to people. almost everyone i've come across in my life had disagreed with my beliefs or way of life.
but when they started prying about my family, that's when they got me. i grew up with my grandparents till i turned 20, and then went to live with my parents for a couple of years before i left home to university. my grandparents are almost my parents. till today, i still address them as ma and pa. at home, when both my mom and grandma are around and i call out, both of them will answer. the part that got my hands shaking and eyes tearing was when the doctor handed me a piece of paper and pen, and told me to list down how much i love each of them, in percentage! i was outraged and torn inside! and at the same time had to force a polite smile the whole time only not to break down in front of the doctors. till that moment, i had no idea how much the sharing of my love among these 4 most important people in my life had affected me emotionally. did i grow up trying to prove my love to my parents who thought they had to compete with my grandparents? or trying to convince my grandparents they're no less than my parents? maybe i did. but it has never been as clear as it was on that day. i took the pen and hurriedly wrote, so that they wont notice my hand shaking, 25%, 25%, 25%, 25%!

that day, i came out from the room after the session, somehow, feeling a little lighter. it must have been the so accurately calculated 25% ...

the meaning of aeromedical ....

aeromedical mean lots of needles and pain! not to mention sitting endless hours waiting for your turn among 59 people! and taking off your clothes to strangers! thank god they're all doctors. doctors are not strangers, they're simply doctors. that kind of definition makes it easier to take off your clothes in front of them!

we were all bundled up in a bus and taken to the royal air force base in sungai besi for medical tests. blood test (ouch!), vision test (another ouch!), audiometry, chest x-ray, ecg, echocardiography, dental and others (which gets worse, with more ouch's!). i havent even heard of half of these tests, leave alone know them. my only thought was, my body and its medical condition is beyond my control at this point. so, stop the worrying and enjoy the ouch's as much as i can. if they find anything negative about me, medically, it's the nature's way of telling me i dont qualify to go to outer space. simple, you'd think! not, i tell ya!

i tried all i can to go thru it all with an indifferent attitude, but people around me made it hard. there were some who worried to death of a certain result, some showing complete confidence in themselves and their health, some who knew they failed immediately, some who argued their health conditions, the list goes on. it was becoming the main topic of conversation at the dinner table every night. as i see it, everyone was left to worry about their own conditions than to worry about competition. which brings me to the quote of the year from the candidates to reporters, 'we're competing with ourselves'. i'm sure the reporters were pissed off with this particular answer from most of the candidates when they were trying to get some juicy details of our experience and the competition among us to emerge as a winner, because, let's face it, the downright point to all these is, who's gonna win the title and emerge as the qualified astronaut!

but, my thought at that point was, we were all qualified to go to outer space in a russian soyuz, and back, to make a historical name for the country and be the pride of the nation. my only wish is that everyone on that list of 59 amazing people understood that .... no matter what the stool sample results came back as. that's right, we had to shit in a container! i bet you'd like to know how that's done!

coming up next! stool sample collection! stay tuned!

after a year ... the story continues

after dropping off the blogger world for a year and more, meaning the angkasawan part of my life, it's refreshing to be back. what prompted me is a close friend's visit from canada last week, whom i havent seen in 3 years. we sat and talked for a week, and naturally, one of the subject was the angkasawan program. as i've told the story, at least once a week, to many around the country for 8 months last year and then completely stopping due to my move to sweden, i was amazed at how much i missed telling the story and how excited it made me feel all over again ... it's magical how some experience in life stays freash with you no matter how far you move away from it. i guess i havent moved too far from it ...

therefore, i'm back.

Fabulous 59

what competition? everyone was as friendly as a dolphin! met devina in our room at the hotel. she is such a sweetheart! and the total opposite of me. everyone adored her, well, i dont blame the guys, they needed someone to adore and she was it! i blended in so well with the boys, as i always did, and could only hope they liked me as much as i did them. we were gathered at the coffee house for dinner and ice-breaking session. everyone took turns to step up to the podium and introduce themselves. if i ever thought i was gonna get the stares from the boys for being the minority, i was wrong. some of them actually came up to us gals and admitted to being intimidated by us! could i have asked for a more cool bunch of fellow candidates! i met sheikh on the same night, as we both stepped out the front door for some fresh air, and his awful charming younger brother, arwiz. we became friends instantly, and went on to become the closest of friends thru out the selection process.

aeromedical evaluation one

here i am, after a long break. to my readers, i apologise for the long absence from the blog. its a long story and definitely needs a big amount of blogging on a later date. it will be about how i was invited to witness a satellite launch by the fabulous measat and the wonderful people who run it, and my experience in baikonur, and the tour of switzerland and rome i went on after!

right now, i am back to sept 2005! the letter came in sept, stating i have passed my basic medicals and is required to attend another series of tests named 'aeromedical evaluation' for a whole week as the next step of the selection process! first thought is, what the heck is aeromedical! look it up, pls. coz i did and did not find it my tiny oxford dictionary. dismissing it as another set of medical tests, i go on with work and my jog routine. as i said before, i dont find the use in worrying about medical tests' results as there's nothing i can improve, medically, in a couple of weeks. we were to register at hotel midah in KL on the 25th evening, which was a sunday. second thought, where the heck is hotel midah! that question was answered by some friends who frequent the hotel for massage services! apparently, the hotel is well known for this particular service! thank heavens i had some friends with the good sense of treating their bodies well! mohan drove me there on that sunday, and upon registration, i met shankini. shankini is an amazing gal, sweet, funny and the most intelligent gal i've known! we became good friends since that day, clearly one of the few good things that happened to me that year. she has a face of a baby, a heart of gold, and a mountain of self confidence! and till this day, i must say, she has to know more about me than i tried to figure out about her in the past year, coz she held in her hand the whole stack of my evaluation results! shankini is the reserach officer at angkasa who were put in charge of the selection process and the astronaut program! does she have the coolest job in the country or what! she worked very closely with dr. zul and a bunch of his colleagues from the air force, dr. razin, dr. alvin and dr. sara. fabulous guys they were thru out my time with them! this is the cool bunch that i had to deal with.

i had to ask at the registration desk, how many of us were selected for this round? 62, i was told, but only 59 showed up. next obvious question, of course, was how many gals? 2! i was told. exactly, 2 with an exclamation mark, was exactly how i heard it from shankini, coz she was clearly shocked or unhappy about that number, as i was! what!? two? out of 59, there were only 2 gals and i was one of them. i couldnt wait to meet the other! next thought is, there wil be 57 males to put up with for the rest of the week. i knew at that point, we were all gonna spend a lot of time together, stressed or not, with needles and stuff, and i feared the answer to the question, how competitive is everyone gonna get exactly?

the day continues ...

3rd september 2005 has not ended yet for me after the run. we were instructed to be at serdang hospital by 2pm, and little did i know then how serious they were! there were people who turned up after 2pm and was sent home! for not being punctual!

i was all awake and fresh on my way back after the run. we stopped for coffee and i got home after 11am. i showered, got dressed and left for serdang hospital, which i had to find. and of course, on the road i miss the exit to the hospital and had to take extra time to turn back, and i got there a few minutes before 2pm! the hospital lobby was crowded with the participants, all in their seats, writing up an application form. then, we were taken to a lecture hall for a briefing. and this is when my first encounter with dr. zul happens. he's colonel dr. zul now. first expression you get upon being face to face with dr zul is, 'do not mess with this guy!' we've come a long way since that day, dr zul and i.
i take my seat and dr zul starts his introduction, about the program and what we ll be getting into and a little background on the evaluation process, firstly, a basic medical exam that will be conducted after the brief. during the brief, he tells us that one of the important requirement is good eye sight, and thats when a lot of the participants became annoyed. one of the guys, he had a high powered glasses on, stood up and asked the most obvious question. in that case, what about us who wear glasses? at that point, dr zul glanced at all of us, and said, those of you who wear glasses, please stand. there were more than 10 of them who stood up at his request. and dr zul says, everyone, give them a big round of applause for trying! as the applause died, he said, sorry guys, but thanks for coming. and you hear the frustrated groans from the faces with the glasses. they were not sent home immediately for the requirement is not a perfect 20/20. and guess what, i wear glasses. i am short-sighted and was prescribed back in 2000! i hate glasses, therefore i dont use them at all. most of the time, i dont need them. so, there i was, in that lecture hall, thinking the eye test will be the end of it.

what follows is a series of medical tests. full body check, for which i had to strip, stomach, breasts, neck, arms and legs. blood pressure, urine sample, height and weight, and blood test. i managed to say hello to some of the guys seated next to me while waiting for the eye test. i was told that only 3 girls made it, and i see the chinese girl there with us and she has contacts on, and obviously, was very nervous about the eye test. so were the guys with the glasses. i told this guy next to me that i have impaired vision as well. i was then called in for the test and to my pleasant surprise, i had no trouble at all in calling out all the numbers and alphabets on the board on the wall! as i read it, the examiner told me to remove my lenses. i took out my glasses from my bag for him to see and said i dont use lenses. i remember coming out of that room happy. mostly, for completing the day without passing out or screaming! after completing all the tests, on my way to the cafeteria, i ran into dr zul. i said hello, and asked about the third girl, whom i didnt see at all. he simply said, she didnt turn up, and walked away. i met a couple more guys at the cafetaria, chatted some over coffee, and left the hospital after 5pm.

two down, a hundred more to go! i didnt have a clue of what is to come next, what to expect or how to prepare myself. how does one prepare for medical tests? i decided then to take it one day at a time, and went home to celebrate completing the day! i was very proud of myself for passing the physical test, because that was all me and my effort. i was not worried even a tad bit of the medical tests, because there was nothing i could do to change the results. if my urine showed an infection, i was out. if my blood results came out positive for cancer or hiv, i was out. if my short sightedness was a problem, i was out. but, worrying about the results wasnt going to change it. one day at a time.

my blog has received it's first comment. and a positive one at that. thank you, malar. keep reading!

and i ran ...

i ve told you i passed my physical test, now let me tell you everything i went thru to pass.
i get a mail from angkasa about the physical test exactly a month before the actual date of test, 3rd sept 2005. i listed myself under subang for location. the run was held in 4 different states in malaysia, including kuching. i had a month to ensure i could pass the test. first of all, how fast do i have to run to complete 3.5 kms under 20 minutes? i jogged everyday for about 6 months at one time. the problem with me is, actually its a weakness of mine, i get bored easy! no matter what it is, i cant do the same stuff for long. at interviews, i actually tell the interviewer exactly this when they ask me to state my weaknesses. the same goes for exercise routines. whatever routine, i get bored of it! i want excitement, fun and drive in whatever i have to do. six months is all i could do with jogging about 4 kms everyday after work, around my apartment blocks. back in 1999, while working in kulim at showa aluminum, i used to work out in my room for an hour after work, every single day for 3 years. nothing strenous, i used a heavy porcelain dog as weights, 400 jumps with jack and 200 sit-ups. i hate running, but after i started my jog routine, it has become addictive. i would feel lousy and uneasy of i dont jog for a day. kumar and johnny, colleagues from teknion, who lived at the same apartment block used to laugh at me when i jog in the rain! in front of everybody at our office cafetaria! didnt bother me, because as far as i am concerned, if i had to jog, i had to jog! in order to achieve my timing, i zero-ed my speedometer in my satria and drove it one full round of my apartment blocks, my exact jog route. and the meter showed 0.6 kms. and we all know speedometers are not that accurate, but i had to go with it. so, i ran six rounds and timed myself. the first day, i ran as fast as i could and i finished 6 rounds, approximately 3.6 kms in 24 minutes! and i told myself, no way i could pass this test! everyday after work i ran six rounds for almost a month and the best time i made was 20 minutes! of all my days in that 1 long year of the selection, i have to say that 1 month was the most worrisome time! i couldnt sleep at nights thinking about it. this is where mohan comes in. at this point i have to mention mohan, in another paragraph, of course.

mohan is the guy who's been there for me and with me for ten years now, always there with his undying love and support. since august 1996 till this day, and more to come, he's seen me thru my ups and downs, thick and thin, laughter and tears, joy and grief, my best and worst moods and days. everyone who knows me knows him. and my family adores him, most of all, my grandma! it aint a very long paragraph, but i guess i've said what he is to me.

so, mohan got tired of me worrying everyday about how fast, or slow, i was progressing. we go out and get ourselves a cheap stop-watch, and he comes downstairs and stands around at the parking lot and time my every round! and a couple of days before 3rd sept, and i wonder why we didnt think of this before, we drive to the stadium in klang town which has a 400-meter track and train there. and one day before the run, my time was 19 minutes and 15 seconds! there was nothing more i could do but go to bed that night hoping tomorrow would go well! the part that bothered me the most was the thought, if i couldnt pass a simple physical test, how did i have the cheek to enrol myself in a race to become an astronaut! darn disturbing thought, wouldnt you say!

the day arrives! the registration starts at 5 am, so, i rise from bed before 4am, get ready and drive to subang air force base. of course, mohan went with me. that day, he stood at the parking lot and waited for 4 hours until the whole ordeal was over!
there were so many people that morning! despite many tables and staffs registering everyone, passing out numbers, t-shirts and caps, answering everyone's various questions, the process took more than 2 hours. at last when i thought it was about to start, they tell us to walk to the start point, which was like a good 10 minutes walk from the registration spot. i walked alone, had to leave mohan behind, along with many others, some chatting away, some quiet. i dont believe people are so friendly so darn early in the morning on a day we're about to run to proof ourselves! dont get me wrong, i am all for friendliness, but i am never a morning-person and i was carrying too much stress that morning to make small talks! all i wanted at that point was for the run to be over! after we reach the small stadium where the start point is, we were asked to spread out on the field, and then they bring out the dj!! it was the most frustrating moment! i mean, the dj was a very good touch, i give you that, but as i said, i was under stress and nothing looked good to me at that point! the dj was good though and he went on and on trying to cheer everyone up and lighten the mood and make it enjoyable by going around and asking anyone he could get or eager enough to talk to him, why did they wanna become an astronaut! i hid from him the best i could! by the time they brought out the staffs to start the warm-up workouts, the sun was out! finally, thank heavens, they get us out of the stadium and showed us the start line, and it was almost 8am! they had the gals in front and men above 40 behind the gals and then the rest. it was a narrow path, so we had to make long lines. finally, the gun goes off, and off we go! i realised how tired i was the minute i started running. the next thing that happened was the able-bodied men who were lined behind us were all banging onto me left and right trying to speed up!! i was pissed off at this point! for heavens sake people, i wasnt slow, i had a pace to follow! its three and a half kms, you know! not a 100-metres dash! i ignored everyone and i ran. the further i ran, the more people were falling behind. and to my surprise, some of them stopped after 200 metres and started to walk! as i said, i ignored everyone else and concentrated on my pace and breathing. and as if it wasnt hard enough, the route actually had slopes! upward! i looked at my cheap stop-watch and kept at my pace. it was getting harder by the minute to run, with all the excitement and a time to keep. and then i hear the irritating voice of the dj screaming, here we have our winner, the astronaut! someone had actually finished, and i could see the finish line, from a distance! i curse under my breath with whatever strength i could muster at that point and picked up my speed. i ran, panting by then, passing a few people thinking i could do this, i have to! before i reach the end of the route, i hear the dj shouting, where are the women? i need a gal here at the finish line, c'mon gals! and i ran up the slope to the finish point while tumbling into a few people in front of me who had to stop at the finish point to collect a small numbered piece of paper indicating we've finished on time. and i get my piece of blue paper that says 59 and i was done! i stop, catch my breath and think, oh my god, i did it! and the next thing i did was almost walk away to find mohan. i didnt catch the time when i finished but i think it was 18 minutes plus. i felt so good at that point, as all the tension eased out of me. then those who finished on time went over to a table and reported for the record. after we waited out for everyone to finish, we were all asked to sit in the stadium and were given breakfast, fried noodle and hot tea. i drank the tea, no thanks to the fried noodle! couple of the officials came out and called out each of the numbers and gave us a piece of paper containing a map on directions to hospital serdang, which was where we were supposed to be at 2pm that afternoon for a basic medical exam. we also did some warm-down workouts, before the fried noodle, of course. in the middle of the warm-down, the dj suddenly calls out for number 1500, please come forward. that was my angkasawan number, 1500, and it came a long way with me after that day. when i stepped up to the dj, he told me i was requested to step outside to meet a reporter. i did, and few of them, plus photographers came up to me for an interview. apparently, i was the first woman to finish! of course, i didnt knew that till they told me. i answered their questions, posed for a couple of photos, thinking how awful i looked at that point and went back inside. finally, they announced we were done, and i walked back to where mohan was waiting. it was almost 10am. when i ran up to mohan and told him i did it, i passed, he smiled and said, i know you would.

that afternoon was another story altogether ...